I Built a Table.


No, that wasn’t a euphemism (and I have no idea what it would be a euphemism for if it were one) and it’s not a 3D thing either:

Not terribly long ago, I spent two days getting an old (think roundabout 2000) Toshiba laptop back running because I found that my desktop is a fair bit too advanced, especially in the bit department, to run one of the games that defined my childhood: Donald Duck’s Quack Attack, known as Goin’ Quackers in less civilised parts of the world. I’m not going to go into details regarding the laptop because that’s not the point of this post, but after succeeding there, I found that I would play Anno 1602 (1602 A.D. in aforementioned less civilised parts of the world) whilst lying in bed and watching British panel shows on YouTube on the desktop.

So obviously I needed someplace to put my cup of tea – couldn’t put it on the mattress because it’d fall over and that’s a rubbish reason for your mattress to be wet and sticky, couldn’t put it on the nightstand because there’s too many books on there and can’t put it on the floor because I’d just forget it until it grows fur and asks for the right to vote.

Consequently, I needed a table. In the cellar I found a… well, a board. Nothing special about it. There were also two roofing battens or whatever you’d call ’em, totaling four metres in length.

I took the board, I took the battens (I really hope that’s the right word because otherwise I’ll look a right tit by the end of this text), I took a tape measure and I took a carpenter’s pencil.

And he’s not getting it back. It’s my pencil now. Live with it.

After carefully* measuring the board and battens, I then planned out what pieces I would need and how long these pieces would have to be. The first batten I decided would go well into four even pieces of fifty centimetres each, for the legs, the second one became the support thingamajigs.

Into the garage I went, with the wood, some screws and a cordless drill/driver combo. Set up a table, shoo’d the spiders away from the table saw, put that table saw on the table (in order to build a table, rather a tably affair), plugged it in and turned it on. It went, and I quote, “bwt”. Then nothing. From the toolbox I then fetched a hammer, and with it I hit the sawblade. On the second hit, the blade started turning and now I can save so much money on gloves!

I cut the wood, I drilled some holes, I screwed the legs in place, drilled for the supports, the cordless ran out of juice so I had to go back to the cellar and plug it into the wall. Without powered support I had to drive the next few screws in by hand, which took so long that the drill was charged far enough to finish the job.

So now I have a table, and just enough remaining digits to play Nickelback songs!


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